Please Stop Talking
by PhelpstwinsandElftwins
Summary: Conversations between Kurt and the people around him. Eighteenth chapter: Brittany is very upset after a run-in with a homophobe. Luckily, Kurt knows how to fix everything.
1. RACHEL!

This new series is a collection of conversations, mainly between Kurt and the Hudmel's, with special guest appearances from the two short, obnoxious Hobbits with the loud voices that we all know and love.

However, not all of the conversations have to revolve around the Hudmel's – although they _will_ all centre around Kurt, and not all of them have to be Klaine, either, although that is preferred.

If you have any requests for topics and pairings for conversations Kurt will be involved in, let me know in a review. I won't ignore a request, unless it's doubled up or … any other reason I haven't thought of yet but I'm sure I'll come across.

The story IS rated M, due to the sexual nature and swearing involved in later conversations.

**Chapter One: RACHEL!**

"Finn, Rachel! Stop sucking face! We can't hear the television over the sound of Finn's creepy-ass grunting!"

"Kurt! That's disgusting!"

"Sorry, dad, but it's totally true. Blaine and I have some self-restraint, why can't those two? Back me up, Blaine!"

"Uh-"

"Mum! Tell Kurt to stop being mean to me and Rachel! We're not _that _bad."

"Guys..."

"Sorry, Finn, but I'm siding with Kurt and Burt on this one. Besides, what you were doing with Rachel is something no mother ever wants to see. No offence, Rachel.

"None taken, Carole!"

"Guys..."

"DAD! CAROLE! They're doing it again! If you don't get them to stop, Blaine and I are going to start making out in retaliation, and you'll have no one to blame but yourselves."

"Guys?"

"Please, no, Kurt, I don't wanna see that. Be kind to your father?"

"Guuuuys?"

"Kurt, as your best friend, and having two gay dads, I'd have absolutely no qualms about seeing you make out with Blaine."

"G-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-uyssssss..."

"You're such a hag, Rachel."

"Guys?"

"Kids, neither Carole nor I need to hear this."

"Guys."

"WHAT BLAINE?"

"Um... nothing. I've forgotten what I wanted to say..."

"Kurt, I'm worried about the intelligence of the people you're attracted to. First Finn, now this kid?"

"Hey!"

"Hey!"

"No offense, Blaine."

"Offense taken."

"Daaaaaad. What did I say about bringing up my crush on Finn in front of Blaine? What did I say about bringing up my crush on Finn in front of him, _and_ his mother, _and _his girlfriend. What did I say about bringing it up at all?"

"Sorry, kid, it was too good an opportunity to pass up."

"I wouldn't mind seeing Finn and Kurt making out either."

"RACHEL!"


	2. This is awkward

**Edit: I am so, SO sorry about the formatting problems and multiple uploads. Fanfiction just ISN'T co-operating today, and I'm almost crying because of it.**

Welcome! To the second chapter of Please Stop Talking. This one is entirely between Kurt and Burt, but references Klaine.

There are also sexual references. As in, it's the entire point of the conversation. Horny Kurt is horny.

**Chapter 2: This is the most awkward conversation we'll ever have.**

"Dad?"

"Yes, Kurt?"

"I want to have sex with Blaine."

"Dad?"

"...Dad?"

"Say that all again, slowly and in English."

_"Dad!"_

"Sorry. I just... what?"

"I, Kurt Hummel..."

"Yes, I know who you are."

"Wish to engage..."

"Oh, look at the time, I'd better-oof! Okay, okay, I'm listening!"

"In sexual intercourse..."

"You are far too young to know what that word means. You can't be more than five."

"With my boyfriend, Blaine."

"I never liked that short-ass. His hair looks like it's full of secrets."

"_DAD!"_

"Sorry, sorry, I just... why are you telling me this?"

"Because, I know, you're a little uncomfortable with having me and Blaine do... certain things... under your roof."

"I'm not seeing why this gave you the urge to tell me. In fact, I would think it would stop you from doing it all."

"See, that's the point. It wouldn't stop us. At all. And I'd feel guilty, knowing I was doing something you didn't approve of behind your back."

"So, basically, you want my permission to have sex with your boyfriend at home?"

"... Yes?"

"I...Sure. Go ahead. If you'd do it anyway, I'd rather it be in the house."

"Thank you daddy! Thank you thank you thank you!"

"You know how to be safe, right?"

"Yes, da-"

"And you read those pamphlets?"

"Ye-"

"Has Blaine read them?"

"He already knows..."

"I didn't need to know that."

"You asked!"

"True. I'm proud of you, Kurt."

"You are?"

"Yep. You've been in a committed relationship with Blaine for almost a year, and you're asking my permission because you recognize that I'm still head of the household. It means a lot to me."

"Your opinion means a lot to me, dad."

"Love you, Kurt."

"Love you too, dad."

"But, uh... let's never talk about this again, okay? From this point onwards, as far as I'm concerned, you're still three years old and painting yourself in your mother's make-up."

"Agreed. One hundred percent."

"Have fun."

"_DAD!_"

-  
><strong>Remember, I'm taking prompts! Want something written? Let me know via review!<strong>


	3. Things I didn't need to know

**Welcome to chapter three of Please Stop Talking! **

**This chapter is a conversation between Finn and Blaine, although both Rachel and Kurt are both present in the room (and the boys don't know they're listening :D)**

**Klaine and Finchel, with some sexual references towards the end.**

**Chapter Three: File That Under: Things I Didn't Need To Know.**

"Uh, Blaine…"

"Yeah?"

"W-why are Rachel and Kurt spooning on the couch?"

"I… don't really know. They look adorable when they're sleeping together, though."

"_What?_"

"No, no, I meant, actually sleeping! Look at them! It's the quietest I've ever seen them!"

"Oh hardy har, Prep School."

"Is that my nickname?"

"Yes. But, again, why are they asleep and spooning?"

"I have no idea. I went up to Kurt's room to change tops, because he spilt glitter on me-"

"Glitter?"

"Don't ask. And when I came back, they were all tangled up in each other. I didn't have the heart to wake them, so I left them on the couch, sat in the recliner instead, put on a Disney movie to keep myself occupied, and now, half an hour later, you're here staring at them like a creeper and interrupting my movie."

"Um?"

"Ignore that last part."

"O-okay. But, aren't you, y'know, jealous? I mean, that's your boyfriend and my girlfriend. Cuddled up. Rather romantically."

"Yes, it does look very romantic…"

"But you're not bothered?"

"Naw. Kurt's loyal to me, for one. We'd never cheat on each other!"

"Good to know. My big brother instincts went into overdrive when I heard he was dating you."

"He's older than you."

"Shut up."

"Heh. Anyway, there's another reason I'm definitely not jealous."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, it's pretty simple. Now, you're aware that Kurt is one hundred per cent gay, yeah?"

"Well, yeah, but that doesn't mean he can't-"

"And if it was any other gay guy, I probably would be concerned, but you see, Kurt has this… let's say, preference, for cuddling and spooning and the like."

"Yes, I know. You and him are basically attached at the hip. Always hugging and shit."

"Yep, well, see. It's not entirely innocent."

"Oh god."

"You may not see it, but whenever Kurt and I are spooning, ninety-nine per cent of the time, he has a boner."

"What? What? What? No. Nonoonononoononononono. That was one of the things I vowed to never, ever, ever know about. Why would you tell me that?"

"I just wanted to give you some peace of mind!"

"That gave me the _opposite_ of peace of mind! I was happier when I was jealous! Ah!"

"And as you can see, Kurt clearly doesn't have a hard-on right now. We'd notice if he did. His dick is fucking huge, man."

"I need brain bleach. So, so, much brain bleach."

"Although, thinking back on it, Kurt's probably gonna kill me for telling you…"

"Yes. Yes I am."

"Well, shit."

**Remember: Prompts are still open! I'll write any scenario and/or pairing, as long as it involves Kurt!**


	4. And then he kissed me

**And so Chapter Four of Please Stop Talking has arrived! Hooray!**

**This chapter features girl talk between Carole and Kurt, although it heavily references Klaine, and a little bit of Burt at the end.**

**Writing about the Kliss gave me shivers. Just thought you oughta know.**

**Chapter Four: And then he kissed me.**

"So, tell me about him!"

"Carole, this is awkward…"

"Aw, come on, Kurt! You're the closest thing I have to daughter-"

"I'm not sure if I'm offended or flattered by that…"

"And I want to have a little girl time!"

"… I do love girl time."

"Exactly! Now, tell me all about Blaine! Has he kissed you?"

"You're like a mother to me, Carole. I don't…"

"Please? I just really care about you. I want to be your friend. Not just your step-mother…"

"Oh, how can I say no to those puppy dog eyes? You're a weakness to all the Hummel men, Carole!"

"Excellent! Now, has he kissed you?"

"Yeah. Yeah he has."

"Oooh, I see that goofy grin! Someone's infatuated!"

"Maybe I am."

"Oh, how cute! What was the kiss like?"

"Two kisses, actually. The first was sweet, and nervous, yet so full of love and affection. It was perfect."

"Aw! You should see your face, honey, you look like you're going to start singing about rainbows."

"That's what the first kiss made me feel like doing!"

"What about the second kiss?"

"Oh. Well. After he pulled away, he looked so unsure of himself. It was adorable!"

"I can picture it. Next?"

"He said, 'We should practice.'"

"He meant for regionals, right?"

"Right. And I said, 'I thought we were.'"

"Huh? Oh… I think I get it. You meant that if you were going to be a couple and kissing, what you were doing _was_ practicing?"

"Exactly! So, then he leant in, and kissed me again."

"What was that one like?"

"Um. Well. It was…"

"Yeees?"

"Complete truth?"

"Of course, Kurt! I want to know everything!"

"It was the most erotic moment of my life. He… _surged_ at me, the fire in his eyes, _oh god._ When our lips met, he devoured me. There was electricity running through me, and we couldn't touch each other enough. It was wild, and passionate, and I ended up in his lap with my hands in his hair. It took about five minutes to catch our breath."

"Wow."

"Yeah."

"Carole?"

"…Carole?"

"I-I need to go find your father."

"What? Wh- OH. OH. GROSS. GROSS. GROSS."

"What? I thought this whole 'being-friends' thing went both ways!"

"It does! And I love you! But… that's my dad! Gross!"

"Oh, shush you. I'll be back later! Although… probably not for a couple of hours."

"_CAROLE!"_

**Remember! Prompts are still open! Any pairing, and scenario, as long as Kurt's in there somewhere! (even indirectly. E.g, Burt and Carole having a conversation about him.)**

**Hope you enjoyed!**


	5. Ridiculous Nicknames

**Chapter Five! Wheeeee! I have accomplished something!**

**This chapter is entirely Klaine. Heavy banter between Kurt and Blaine which takes a very sexual twist towards the end.**

**Along with a cockblock. **

**There's a bit of a shout-out to Kurt and Burt's conversation in chapter two as well, just to let you know!**

**Chapter Five: Ridiculous Nicknames.**

"Blaine."

"Yes, Kurt?"

"I love you."

"I know."

"Uh?"

"What?"

"Aren't you going to say something back?"

"Hmm… No? I said, 'I know'. Got all my bases covered, yeah? Oh! Thank you! I want to also say 'Thank you'!"

"_Kurt."_

"I'm joking, sweetheart, I love you too. More than you'll ever know."

"Oh, I doubt that. I think I love you more than _you'll_ ever know."

"Aha, are we starting that again?"

"We're starting this again, my Kurtsie-kins."

"It's on, Blainey-bear."

"You wish you were this cool, Princess Kurtie-chan."

"Oh, puh-leaze, Wittle Blainers. You wish you loved me as much as I loved you."

"Come at me, Kurt-Kurt. Come at me."

"Maybe I will, Blainskers, maybe I will!"

"Let's have sex."

"Oh, thank god, I thought you'd never ask! The sexual tension in this room is killing me."

"Relatively certain we're the only couple that gets turned on by standing at opposite ends of a room and exchanging condescending, childish nicknames."

"We're just too school for cool, my love. Too school for cool."

"I see what you did there. Actually, wait, no, I see what Pink did there. Give her back her lyrics, you poohead."

"..Poohead?"

"I couldn't think of anything. Shut up. Stop laughing at me!"

"Oh, sweetie, I'm laughing with you. Trust me."

"I'm trying so hard to, but that sexy little smirk tells me I shouldn't."

"You think my smirk is sexy?"

"I think everything about you is sexy."

"Fuck, Blaine… Get over here. Right now. I'm going to be on my knees in ten seconds, and I want something of yours in my mouth within twenty. Got that?"

"Oh, fuck, Kurt. You're killing me."

"_Okay. So._ I'm going to back out of the doorway now and pretend I didn't hear a word of that."

"_Dad!"_

"_Burt!"_

"It's cool guys. Never mentioning this again. Ever. Kurt is a child. Mother's make-up. Three. Hee. Hee. Hee. Bye."

"I-I think we broke your dad, Kurt."

"I think so, too…"

"Hm."

"What?"

"My boner didn't go down the entire time he was in here."

"_Blaine!"_

"What? I'm just being honest!"

"I guess."

"You guess?"

"Well… neither did mine."

**Prompts are open! Let me know in a review! **

**-Phelpstwinsandelftwins**


	6. The Nymph and his Hag

**Welcome to Chapter Six of Please Stop Talking! (cue the triumphant music!)**

**This chapter features Kurt, Rachel, Carole and Burt, and continues the joke about Rachel being Kurt's hag that we see in The Purple Piano Project.**

**Also, lots of talking about Kurt's perfect body.**

**And that's something **_**everyone**_** can get into, right? ;D**

**Chapter Six: The Nymph and his Hag.**

"Rachel, Kurt…"

"Yes, Carole?"

"Not to seem rude or anything, but what are you doing here?"

"We're…sitting in the kitchen? Eating an afternoon snack?"

"Yes, we understand that. What Carole meant was… what are you doing here with each other?"

"What are you implying, dad?"

"Nothing! Definitely not what you're thinking! It's just, it's a Friday afternoon, which basically guarantees that Blaine will be around, yet he's not here. And Rachel, you don't even live here. Your reason for being around is Finn. Who isn't here, either?"

"Dad, that was mean."

"Sorry, Rachel, I didn't mean to imply that you're not welcome. You are. Carole and I are just confused."

"Rachel's my friend too, you know. We can spend time together! Blaine and Finn are downstairs killings zombies- that re-spawn anyway- with their fingers. Blaine's good with his fingers."

"Kurt!"

"Heehee!"

"Kurt, I'm offended! I'm certainly more than just your friend!"

"Is… is there something you need to tell your father and I, Kurt? We'll accept you no matter what, you know that by now."

"No, no, no! For goodness sake! Why are people so damned determined to believe I'm not gay?"

"It's just because you'd make such a fabulous heterosexual, Kurt. You have such strong arms, and your abs are better than people give you credit for, and your legs are slim and sexy and you're so, so flexible and your hips can do amazing things and I felt a certain part of your anatomy sticking into my back when we were spooning on the couch the other day and you weren't even hard but it still felt so goo-"

"Yeah, this is definitely the stuff I don't need to hear and will spend the rest of my life trying_ to_ forget about. Rachel, are you in love with my gay son?"

"Yes. Entirely."

"Oh, for the love of-"

"Which is why I referred to myself as _more_ than just his friend. I am his hag."

"I've heard you guys use that phrase a couple of times now. What does it mean?"

"I'm his hag. I'm a girl that falls madly in unrequited love with a gay guy and spends the rest of my life devoted entirely and shamelessly to him, living vicariously through his love-life."

"Right… So I guess the whole you-dating- Finn-thing is all just a plot to get closer to Kurt?"

"Yes, Carole. I'm just _so_ glad to finally get that off my chest."

"At least you're honest, even when you're being sarcastic."

"Many negative traits, I may have, but no one can say I'm not honest!"

"Except, y'know, Sunshine…Wait, Rachel… you're attracted to me?"

"I think I made that pretty clear, Kurt."

"Far too clear for my tastes. Far too clear."

"Shush, dad. I'm finding it a little hard to believe, Rachel."

"You're joking, right?"

"Why are you two still having this conversation in front of us?"

"Shush, Mr. Hummel-"

"This is my house!"

"And, Kurt, if you seriously don't believe _me_, just watch Blaine watch you dance. Or move. Or speak. Or exist, basically. That boy is so in love and in lust with you it's not funny."

"Wait, how does Blaine look at Kurt?"

"Likes he wants to throw him down and rip his pants off and do naughty things to him with his tongue and-"

"Ah! _This conversation is over!"_

**Prompts are still open! Any Kurt-related pairing and scenario! Let me know what you want in a review!**


	7. Candyman

**Welcome to chapter seven of Please Stop Talking.**

**This chapter features Kurt and Burt. It is entirely crack, be warned. **

**Also, I heavily abuse the caps-lock button.**

**Basically, Kurt's been Trick Or Treating, and he's… let's just say a little hyper. **

**Chapter Seven: Candyman **

"Everybody dance now! Bum. Bum bum bum bum."

"Kurt, be quiet."

"You can't control me, father!"

"As long as you live with me, yeah. Yeah, I can."

"And you'll never hear the wolf cry to the blue corn moooon!"

"What did that kid feed you before he dropped you home?"

"Sherbert. Halloween candy. Twizzlers AND Redvines- I'm living large! I LOVE ALLEN'S LOLLIPOPS! DO DO DO DO DO! THEY MAKE MY HEART GO GIDDYUP!"

"Yeah, now, see, when I agreed to let you go Trick or Treating with Blaine, I assumed that meant you'd spend all day getting your costumes ready, door-knock for about ten minutes, get bored, and then giving the candy to Finn. I thought you were too health conscious to gorge yourself into a sugar-rush?"

"Blaine convinced me to live a little! Which means you were wrong about me! You were wrong, daddy! Wrong, wrong, wrong! And how many times will it taaaaake! For you to Get It Riiiiigggghhtt?"

"Oh for the love of- You must have eaten your body weight in candy to get this hyper."

"Sweet. Sugar. Candyman!"

"Kurt! Pay attention!"

"You would not believe your eeeeyyyes! If ten million firefliieeeees! Lit up the world as I fell asleeeeep!"

"What has that even got to do with the conversation?"

"Sorry, you were talking? I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE!"

"_Yes_, Kurt. Oh, never mind. I just wanna know how long this is gonna last. I wanna record it when you come down from your high and crash completely."

"I shall never come down from this brilliance! I AM THE BANANA KING! I GOT A POCKET, GOT A POCKET FULL OF SUNSHINE! I GOT A LOVE AND I KNOW THAT IT'S ALL MINE. WOAH-OAH."

"Kurt, stop pole dancing with the lamp."

"I SHALL NEVER CONFORM TO YOUR 'SQUARE' RULES, MAN. NEVER. I AM STRONG! STRONG! I AM INVINCIBLE! INVINCIBLE! I AM WOMAAAAAN!"

"You're just getting ridiculous, now."

"This whole CLASS is ridiculous."

"…What?"

"I SAID NOTHING. STOP LOOKING AT ME. _I SAID STOP._ I DON'T NEED A MAN TO MAKE ME FEEL GOOD!"

"I sincerely hope so."

"CUZ I AM BEAUTIFUL. IN EVERY SINGLE WAY. I SAID STOP LOOKING AT ME."

"Kurt, please stop crying."

"Kurt?"

"…Kurt?"

"Daddy, I don't feel so good."

"Here we go…"

**If you can name every song used in this chapter, I'll give you… something.**

**Something really cool.**

**Yeah.**


	8. That Works Too

**Time for chapter eight of, "Please Stop Talking"!**

**Party Hard.**

**Just a warning: This chapter takes place BEFORE the "I want to have sex with Blaine" conversation that Kurt has with Burt, so Klaine hasn't progressed as far physically in their relationship.**

**But it IS set in the same universe.**

**Chapter Eight: That Works Too.**

"I'm so embarrassed."

"Oh, sweetheart…"

"I'm so, so, sorry, Kurt."

"Don't apologize, love. I'm not mad at you in the slightest."

"I'm still humiliated."

"Shh, it's okay, it's okay. It's happens to everyone."

"Yeah, when they're _twelve."_

"It's still not your fault."

"I cannot believe I did that!"

"You were just… overwhelmed. If anything, it's my fault."

"What? No! No no no! Not at all!"

"Yeah! I pushed you to do something you didn't want to do!"

"Kurt… did it seem at any point like I _didn't_ want to be doing…_that?"_

"You can say it, sweetheart. _Dry-humping. _And, well… no. But, still, I should've asked you first! You weren't expecting me to just ram my hips into yours, and this is the result!"

"Me with cum stains on the inside of my underwear because I jizzed myself like a twelve year old boy?"

"…I was going to say, "we're both miserable because of my rash and selfish actions," but… that works too, I guess?"

"I still can't believe I freakin' did that."

"Honey, it's _okay."_

"No! It's not! And not only did I prematurely jizz myself, I left you unsatisfied because I decided to be an ass and hide under the blankets and sob for a good ten minutes. What kind of boyfriend am I?"

"An amazing one who occasionally has perfectly normal physical reactions and overreacts entirely to them?"

"I was going to say, "a bad one," … but that works too."

"Oh, sweetheart, come here."

"You're warm. And you smell nice."

"Thank you, Blaine. I think. Now, how would you like a change of pants, hm?"

"That would be kind of amazing. As in, I desperately need them. As lovely as lying here snuggling here with you is… this shit's gross. I need new pants."

"Why does Blaine need new pants?"

"Dad! What did I say about knocking?"

"When Blaine's here, I have full rights to burst in any time I like. Just be glad I don't enforce any "Doors Open" rules."

"… Touché."

"Now, why does Blaine need new pants?"

"Mr. Hummel, uh… I. Um. You see. I spilt something on them?"

"I can't see anything? Was it a liquid?"

"Yeah, no, I…spilt it on the insides…"

"I don't under- oh. Oh. OH. Ahahahahaha!"

"Dad, stop laughing! It's not funny!"

"It's a little bit funny!"

"Well, this is just extra humiliating."

"I-I'm sorry, Blaine, but-aha! This is, this is j-just too funny!"

"Okay, now you're just exaggerating to make me feel awkward."

"Come on, dad, go, please. Otherwise I'll tell Finn about that time I found you and Ca-"

"Okay! Okay! I'm going!"

"Oh, thank you, God! Allah! Aten? … Shirtless Neil Patrick Harris?"

"Thank you, dad."

"Sorry for embarrassing you boys."

"It's okay."

"Also… Kurt, I'm proud of you."

"What? Why?"

"Because Blaine's the one who needs to change pants, not you."

"Oh, for- _DAD!"_

**Prompts are still open! Tell me what you want written in a review! Prompted chapters will generally be longer, just so you know ;)**


	9. Let Me Spend My Life Loving Him

**Now it's time for Chapter Nine of "Please Stop Talking"! Hoo-rah! Confetti! It's a parade! **

**This chapter is a very heartfelt conversation between Burt and Blaine, in which they discuss Kurt and Blaine's relationship and future.**

**It DOES mention previous chapters, so just a head's up.**

**Enjoy!**

**Chapter Nine: Let Me Spend My Life Loving Him.**

"M-Mr Hummel?"

"Yes, Blaine?"

"I… um..."

"Spit it out, Hobbit."

"You haven't been hanging around Sue Sylvester by any chance, have you?"

"Yeah…We're running against each other. Why?"

"No reason. No reason at all…"

"Uh-huh. Now, what do you want?"

"…Nothing. Aha. Forget I said anything. Bye."

"Get back here, kid."

"O-okay. Right. I can do this. I can."

"Sure you can, kid. Tell me what's bothering you."

"I… bought a ring."

"…Congratulations?"

"It's a very special type of ring. And I want to give it to someone. Someone you're close to. Someone in your family."

"Why do I get the feeling we're not talking about Carole, here?"

"Because we're not. Although, off topic, I _have_ been thinking of getting her jewellery for mother's day."

"That's nice of you, kid. Back on topic, please."

"Damnit. Um. Well. I want to give this ring… to Kurt."

"You're seventeen. That's a little young to be proposing, don't you think?"

"It's not an engagement ring! I swear. It's a promise ring. Because we're not going to be seventeen forever, and I _do_ want to give him an engagement ring … y'know… one day. To be honest, I'm looking forward to the day."

"That's… that's really sweet."

"Mr. Hummel, are you crying?"

"_No."_

"Uh… right. Branches in both eyes?"

"_Yes._ Now… why are you telling me this, kid? Not that it isn't lovely and romantic and all, but aren't you better off telling the guy you actually want to marry one day?"

"I wanted to ask for your permission first."

"Wow, kid, you sure do things old fashioned."

"Sort of, sir. I just thought it'd mean a lot to both you and Kurt. Kurt likes the old fashioned romantic stuff, you know. I want him to have that. I want to give him everything he wants."

"I've gained a lot of respect for you during this conversation, Blaine. Which is saying a lot, considering Kurt asked my permission to have sex with you about a month ago."

"_What?"_

"Nothing. Anyway, I-uh-give you permission? Is that the protocol for these things? I bless it?"

"Thank you, Mr. Hummel!"

"Just do me two favours, kid?"

"Sure, sir. Anything."

"First, call me Burt."

"O-of course, Mr- I mean, Burt. I'd be happy to."

"Good. And second… make it romantic. Y'know, when you ask him. You're right- That kid deserves all the romance and spoiling in the world. If he doesn't come and tell me you gave him that ring after serenading him and a moon-lit dinner, I'm going to be _very_ disappointed in you."

"Trust me, Burt; I've had what I'm going to do planned out for a long time. I'll be serenading him, taking him out dancing, taking him to dinner, and then we're going to sneak into Dalton so I can ask him on the staircase."

"Why a staircase?"

"That's where we first met."

"Burt?"

"…Burt?"

"Burt, are you crying again?"

"_No!"_

**Prompts are still open, my lovelies! Review with a pairing/scenario, and it shall be written, because I'm nice like that ;)**

**Also, my tumblr: **http : / theevenstarofklaine. tumblr. com / (remove the spaces) **It's entirely Klaine, with a little bit of Final Fantasy… and a lot of Neil Patrick Harris xD**

**I really hope you enjoyed! The next chapter will hopefully be up later today!**


	10. It Reminds Me Of You

**Welcome to chapter ten of "Please Stop Talking"! (dance party)**

**This chapter was prompted by a real life friend of mine, who wanted the words, "Unicorn Plushie" and "Skulduggery" to be found within the chapter somehow. **

…**This is the result.**

**Yeah.**

**Enjoy!**

**Chapter Ten: It Reminds Me Of You.**

"Blaine! Hey! Your dad let me in… What are you reading?"

"Hey, Kurt. It's called Skulduggery Pleasant!"

"Isn't that a kids' book?"

"No. Maybe. Yes. So what if it is? _What are you trying to say about me?"_

"Nothing, sweetheart. Nothing at all. Um, did you just throw the book under your bed?"

"Yes. You're not allowed to see it anymore. I can feel you judging me."

"Blaine, I've already seen you holding it. Hiding it under your bed isn't going to do anything. Here, I'll get it."

"No! DON'T GO UNDER THERE!"

"Here it- Blaine… what is this?"

"Um, my porn collection?"

"Nice try, but I already knew about that. I'm talking about the giant unicorn plushie stuffed under your bed, _next_ to your porn collection."

"That's nothing. Ignore that. Give me my book."

"_Blaine."_

"Okay, fine! I have a unicorn plushie and read kids' books, okay? What? What do you want from me? Stop judging me!"

"Blaine, sweetheart, you need to calm down. As in, you're going red."

"Okay. Deep breaths."

"Yes, deep breaths. Now, why do you have a unicorn plushie stuffed under your bed?"

"…It reminds me of you."

"Er, what?"

"It reminds me of you. Please stop looking at me like that."

"No, no, no, I think that's sweet. Entirely adorable. A little bit creepy, maybe, but sweet for the most part. Where did you get it?"

"I got it after you transferred back to McKinley. I couldn't deal with you being so far from me. I could barely sleep at night, so I bought this to help. Nobody knows, not even my parents. I hide it under my bed as soon as I wake up, and don't bring it back out until after they're asleep."

"Oh, my love. My beautiful, childish, idiotic, love."

"I can _feel_ you laughing at me."

"I'm not, I promise! I think this is one of the most accidentally romantic things you've ever done and please stop pouting, it's scaring me how much you look like a five year old right now."

"I'm impressed; you said that all in one breath."

"You should see what else I can do in one breath."

"Excuse me, I am currently five, and therefore do not understand the innuendo behind that."

"Yes, dear."

"… Are you going to tell anyone I sleep with a unicorn plushie that reminds me of you?"

"No, dear. I swear on my Vogue collection."

"Oh, good."

"However…"

"Noooo, I knew there would be a catch."

"There's no catch! I was just going to offer up a slightly more…mature… alternative."

"Alternative?"

"How about you keep that plushie hidden permanently under your bed, and sleep with me instead?"

"Even if I actually _was_ five I'd understand the innuendo behind that."

"Well thank heavens you're not."

"Get in my bed. Now."

"Yes, sir."

"Wait! Give me a moment!"

"What, what's wrong?"

"…Let me put the plushie out of sight, first. I feel like I'm cheating on someone if I let it watch."

"Oh, Blainers."

**Hope you enjoyed! Send me prompts via a review.**

**-Phelpstwinsandelftwins**


	11. Pitching and Catching

**Wow! Chapter Eleven! Who'd-uh thunk it?**

**In this chapter, we see Burt sit Kurt and Finn down for a **_**very**_** serious talk.**

**Except, not really.**

**I hope you enjoy! **

**Chapter Eleven: Pitching and Catching**

"Boys, could you sit down for a sec?"

"What's up, dad?"

"Yeah, Burt… Rachel and I were just about to go on a da-"

"This is more important. Trust me."

"We're not having another sex talk, are we?"

"A-Actually, we are. How did you know?"

"I've known you for 17 years, dad, I can recognize your moods. This one is your extreme "good lord almighty I'm uncomfortable" mood."

"…Oh. Right."

"But, why are we getting The Talk, Burt? Mum already gave me one, and I'm sure you've given one to Kurt-"

"We _do not_ talk about that!"

"-Plus, whatever we don't know, we can just look up on the internet!"

"Normally I'd agree with you, Finn. It'd be so much easier if we could just leave it at that. Far less awkward, that's for sure."

"…But?"

"But, Carole insisted I sit both you boys down and have a good, long chat."

"_But why?"_

"She found something in Finn's pocket, while doing the washing. An empty condom wrapper."

"Oh, god, no!"

"Finn! Who actually keeps those? Couldn't you have just thrown it in the bin like a normal human being?"

"I'm sorry! Where we… doing it… had no garbage bin!"

"Argh! I didn't need to know that! Wait, why am I being punished for his stupidity?"

"Hey!"

"_This isn't a punishment, Kurt._ And… because about two days later, she walked in on you and Blaine being… intimate."

"Aahahahahahahahaha! That's so much worse!"

"Shut up, Finn! When did that happen? I don't remember that happening!"

"She said you were a little… preoccupied at the time. Apparently she walked right in and out without either of you noticing."

"… That _does_ sound like us. We get a little caught up in the moment."

"Oh, gross."

"Oh, grow up, Finn! Like I wanna hear about you and Rachel having hetero sex in weird places! Enough with the homophobic comments!"

"That wasn't homophobic at all! That was an, "ew I don't want to hear about my brother having sex" thing."

"Oh. Well. That's… That's sweet of you."

"_Boys, would you pay attention?"_

"Sorry."

"Sorry."

"Now, I just wanted to say, I have no problems with either of you engaging in sexual intercourse with your significant others. You've both been in solid relationships for a while now, and I'm not going to try and stop you."

"Then… why are we here?"

"Well, I know you two are being safe, but your mother is concerned."

"She found an _empty condom packet_ in my jeans. I think that's pretty conclusive evidence that I'm being safe."

"And dad, I promised you that Blaine and I were being safe, why couldn't you convince her?"

"She's just worried. She loves you two very much."

"Aw."

"Aw, Kurtie, my mother wuvs you."

"Shut your face, Finn."

"_Ahem._ As I was saying, just to give her some peace of mind, I'm giving you these. If she asks, tell her I sat you guys down for a long, detailed talk that involved diagrams."

"Yes, dad. We promise. We don't want you sleeping on the couch…again."

"…Condoms? Burt, you're giving me condoms?"

"Yep, take them. "

"This is a little bit weird, but sure, Burt. Thanks."

"No problem, Finn. I look after my own."

"Thank you, dad."

"Wait, Kurt, why are you taking them?"

"…Why wouldn't I?"

"Well… condoms are worn by the guys who do the…penetration."

"Yes, and?" 

"Isn't Blaine the one doing the penetration?"

"Uh… no?"

"Wow. I'm impressed."

"Thanks, I think? Is it that big a deal?"

"Naw, man, I just always pictured you as a bottom…"

"…You've pictured me?"

"No! No! That's not what I meant at all! Ah!"

"Calm, down, Finn. It's okay. No one doubts your extreme masculinity."

"Actually, right now, I'm starting to believe in _your _extreme masculinity. Hi-five!"

"No, Finn. That's tacky. Oh, for the love of- Dad! Put your hand down! I'm not hi-fiving you, either!"

**Prompts are still open! Let me know what scenario/pairing you want via a review.**

**My Klaine-filled Tumblr: theevenstarofklaine . tumblr . com**


	12. Orgasmic Strawberries

**I updated about two hours ago… But I received a prompt I seriously couldn't get off my mind! So, welcome to chapter 12 of "Please Stop Talking"!**

**One more chapter, and this story, my baby, will be a teenager! My emotions!**

**In this chapter, you shall find some hilarious misunderstandings as Finn overhears Kurt and Blaine innocently enjoying an afternoon snack, and assuming something he shouldn't.**

**It's dedicated to ColorBlind City, who prompted me in the first place! Hope this is what you wanted :)**

**I hope you enjoy!**

**Chapter Twelve: Orgasmic Strawberries.**

"Hey, Kurt, do you mind if I come I-"

"Mmmm, Blaine!"

"K-Kurt?"

"Fuck, Kurt, wow. God, it's huge compared to your petite little mouth! I don't think it'll fit!"

"…_Blaine?"_

"Kurt, did you hear something outside the door?"

"No, I don't think so, why?"

"Must've been my imagination. Anyway, let's keep going. I needed this in my life a million years ago."

"Don't have to tell me twice! Oh, oh, wow, the juices. Unf. This tastes better than I thought it would."

"Your lips look amazing sucking on it, Kurt. They're all red and slick. Pretty damn sexy, if you ask me!"

"You're such a pervert! And I didn't ask you, thank you very much."

"I'm just being honest!"

"Uh-huh. Stop talking to me! I'm trying to do something here."

"Alright, alright, fine, I'll just watch you do it, then, it's definitely no imposition on me!"

" Oh, I'm sure!"

"Uh… Kurt, the juices are running down your chin. It's a little obscene."

"Lick them up for me? Pretty please?"

"Oh, god…"

"Alright, I've heard enough! KURT, I'M COMING IN. BLAINE, GET YOUR PERVERTED HANDS OFF MY LITTLE BROTHER!"

"_Finn!"_

"_Finn, what the hell?"_

"… Oh…"

"Oh, what?"

"I thought you guys were…"

"Thought _what, _exactly, Finn?"

"It sounded like Blaine was forcing you to suck him off…"

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Finn! Why on Earth would you think that of me? You know I would _never, ever_ force Kurt to do something he didn't want to! It'd tear me apart!"

"Actually, it kind of sounded like Kurt wanted to, as well… I just…"

"Wanted to protect your little brother from his big bad Hobbit boyfriend?"

"Well, yeah."

"Guys, let's not forget, I'm _older_ than Finn! How many times do I have to remind you?"

"That's a technicality! You're shorter and skinnier than me, so you get to be called, "little"."

"Oh, I give up."

"Heh, there _are_ juices on your chin, Kurt!"

"Yes, I know! And Blaine was about to clean me up when you came bursting in!"

"Yeah, with his _tongue."_

"_Finn!"_

"I'm sorry… Please don't glare at me?"

"Hmph. Leave now, and let my boyfriend and me have an afternoon snack in peace."

"But I-"

"Finn! I'm warning you! If you don't leave right this instant, I actually _will_ start sucking him off."

"Oh, god, no! I was just going to ask if could have a strawberry! They look really nice!"

"Finn…"

"Well, it's true! The sounds you two were making while eating them were practically orgasmic! I want in on that! What's so good about them?"

"Finn, _get out! And get your own damned orgasm strawberries!"_

**Prompts are still open! Drop me one via review!**

**My tumblr: theevenstarofklaine. Tumblr. Com**

**-Phelpstwinsandelftwins**


	13. Power Bottoms

**Welcome to Chapter Thirteen of, "Please Stop Talking"! My baby is finally a teenager! So many proud mama tears! –emotional twirling-**

**This chapter takes place in McKinley's choir room- that's right! We're moving out into the real world! Hurrah!**

**Lots of Klaine, and a little bit of Brittana, too! (Also, Tike…for like, four sentences, but the point remains.)**

**Basically, Blaine walks into the classroom limping. He gets interrogated, and it's final revealed that he bottoms for Kurt. Normality is resumed, and people think they have Klaine's relation figured out.**

**Until, of course, Kurt walks into the room.**

**And he's limping too.**

**Hope you enjoy!**

**Chapter Thirteen: Power Bottoms.**

"Would all of you, please, be quiet?"

"Sorry, Mr Schue."

"Sorry, bro."

"My apologies, Mr Schuester. I was simply discussing a possible set-list for regionals, with myself and Finn as leads, of course!"

"…Of course."

"Eugh. That's gross."

"What's that supposed to mean, Santana?"

"Nothing, man-hands. Nothing at all. I'm just getting a little sick of seeing you and Frankenteen fogging up every venue we go to with your eye-sexing."

"That's disgusting!"

"Not appropriate, Santana. Anyway, let's start."

"We can't start yet, Mr Schue! My boy and his boy aren't here yet!"

"Oh… right. Where are Blaine and Kurt? Does anyone know?"

"Last time I saw them, they were playing footsie under the lunch table."

"_Santana."_

"Just telling the truth."

"Sorry I'm late, guys!"

"Oh, there you are, Blaine! We were just about to go looking for you!"

"Sorry, Kurt and I got a little preoccupied."

"Wanky."

"With _homework, _Santana. With _homework."_

"Oh, sure. I believe you."

"Stop winking at me."

"Blaine, where's Kurt. And… are you limping?"

"Uh, he's coming."

"_I bet he is!"_

"_PUCK!"_

"I regret nothing."

"Blaine, you didn't answer my second question… why are you limping?"

"No reason."

"Blaine, if you're being bullied or hurt, you need to tell me so I can something about it."

"I swear I'm completely fine!"

"Blaine, please. We'll all support you."

"Oh, for god's sake, you wanna know why I'm limping?"

"Yeah, boo. We all just wanna help."

"Alright, fine. I'm limping, because I got fucked in the ass by my boyfriend, Kurt. The one you all call, 'Baby Gay', yeah. He tops. He tops fucking _hard._ And today, we walked around with hard-on's pretty much all day because we're _so fucking hot for each other_ and after lunch, we just couldn't wait, so he dragged me into a bathroom stall and was thrusting so hard I couldn't stand and had to hold on to him as I wailed out his name. _That's why I'm fucking limping, okay?"_

"Oh. My. God."

"Get some, short-ass!"

"Santana, is it okay for me to be turned on by dolphin sex? Because I'm turned on right now and really want to kiss you."

"Respect, yo."

"I didn't need to know that about my brother. I didn't need to know that about my brother. I just _really_ didn't need to know that about my brother."

"I'm so happy for you and my boy, Blaine. I mean that. But… did you really have to be so detailed?"

"Tina… can we go Asian kiss? That was hot."

"I worry about your sexuality, Mike."

"Like you'd be opposed to a threesome between me and another guy."

"True. But he'd have to have abs as fabulous as you."

"At least neither of you can get pregnant. Be thankful. Mr Schue, are you okay?"

"Ahahaha! Blaine, I think you killed Mr Schuester!"

"…Whoops?"

"Hey guys, sorry I'm la- Why is Mr Schue crying?"

"Kurt! You're here! You missed out on all the hilarity!"

"…I see? Why are you all looking at me like that?"

"We're just … really proud of you, no-longer-baby-gay."

"Um, thanks Santana, I guess?"

"Kurt?"

"Yes, Puck?"

"Why are _you _limping, too?"

"Judging by the smirks on all your faces, and the fact that Finn has assumed the foetal position, I'm going to take a wild guess and say that Blaine has told you why we're late and what we were doing?"

"Yep!"

"Pretty much!"

"Why, god, why?"

"Well, see… When I'm not topping… I'm what you'd call a 'power bottom'. We take turns."

"KURT! STOP SAYING THAT SHIT WHILE I'M IN THE ROOM! I'M TELLING MUM AND BURT!"

"Hi-five, Kurt. Hi-five."

"SO much respect for you two right now, not gonna lie."

"Santana, I have a question…"

"Yes, sweetheart?"

"If both their bottoms are sore…"

"Yes…?"

"Who's gonna sit on whose lap while they make out in the back of the classroom and pretend not to grope each other?"

"Ahahahahaha! Oh my god!"

"I should've become an accountant."

**I rather like this chapter xD**

**I hope you enjoyed it!**

**Remember, prompts are still open, so if you have a request, let me know via a review!**

**My tumblr: theevenstarofklaine . tumblr . com**

**~Phelpstwinsandelftwins.**


	14. Lesbian Sex Talk

**Welcome! To chapter fourteen of, "Please Stop Talking"!**

**Sorry about the lack of updates lately, I've been a little swamped, gah. Forgive me?**

**Anywho, in this chapter, we see Kurt and Blaine discussing Santana and Brittany's relationship.**

**Or, more specifically, we see poor Blaine have no idea how lesbian sex works.**

**Oh Blainers.**

**Hope you enjoy!**

**Chapter Fourteen: Lesbian Sex Talk**

"Blaine? We need to talk…"

"What? No! Nonononono! Please don't break up with me! Please! I love you. I love you more than anything on this earth. Please, let me fix whatever I did wrong! I'll do anything! I love you. I love you. Please?"

"Uh… I'm not going to break up with you. That's not what this is about at all."

"Oh. That's awkward."

"Yeah, a little bit. I love you too, by the way."

"Good to know. Not that I care, or anything. At all."

"Nice attempt at regaining your dignity, there."

"Thank you. Let's not mention that little outburst ever again. Unless you actually ever do want to break up with me. In which case, please, remember what I said, because it's entirely true. Every word."

"I'll remember, sweetheart. I promise you."

"Excellent. Now then, what did you want to talk to me about?"

"Santana and Brittany."

"Santana? She scares me. And Brittany is my sunshine twin! What's there to talk about?"

"Sunshine Twin? I'm going to ignore that for now, and we'll talk about it later."

"Oh dear."

"Anyway, I think something is up between the two of them."

"Well… they _are_ in a committed relationship. Of course something is going on between them!"

"No, I mean, something bad. Negative. Like an argument."

"I haven't noticed anything… they're as lovey-dovey as always. And Santana threatened to stuff me into a pool-filter if I ever looked at Brittany for too long again."

"_She did what?"_

"She was joking. I think. I hope."

"Hm, I guess I'm overreacting."

"I suppose."

"You suppose?"

"Well… now that I think about it, there _could_ be something afoot in their relationship."

"Seriously, who says 'afoot' nowadays? Anyway, what do you think it is? Do you think they're fighting?"

"No, nothing like that, it's just…"

"It's just?"

"Well, they're lesbians."

"Yes. Thank you for that astute observation. It had entirely escaped my notice. Also, only Santana is entirely lesbian. Brittany is bisexual."

"What happened to you not believing in bisexuals?"

"I-uh. Tina and Brittany got to me. I thought about it a lot."

"Wait, Tina's bisexual?"

"Yep. Puck, too, I think."

"Wow."

"Yeah. One day, we need to figure out the sexuality of everyone in Glee, because I'm certain those three aren't the only ones. Anywho, continue on with your theory."

"Well… since they're lesbians… that means there's absolutely no penis at all in their relationship."

"I… yes. Well, at least, real ones. That's kind of one of the defining factors of lesbian relationships."

"Exactly! And, well, how good can a sex life be without a penis involved?"

"Um."

"Yeah?"

"Um…"

"Kurt, why are you laughing at me?"

"Kurt?"

"_Kurt?"_

"Oh, sweetheart. Do you understand lesbian sex at all?"

"I… no. And I didn't think you would either!"

"Oh, please. The amount of sleepovers I have with Santana and Brittany alone? I could write a book complete with illustrations."

"…Oh."

"It's okay. But, trust me. Sex isn't the problem in the relationship."

"…Okay."

"We'll ask them what's wrong tomorrow. And stop pouting, sweetie. You're allowed to not understand stuff sometimes."

"I know… but… _how_ do they have sex?"

"… Sit down, I'll tell you all I know."

"This is going to be awkward, isn't it?"

"Pretty much. Let's just say, I never thought I'd be giving a lesbian sex talk to my gay boyfriend."

**Hope you enjoyed!**

**Tumblr: theevenstarofklaine . tumblr . com**

**Any prompts? Let me know via review!**

**~Phelpstwinsandelftwins**


	15. Old Romantics and Babies

**Welcome to chapter fifteen of, "Please Stop Talking."**

**I'm sorry about the lack of updating :S I'll try and update twice today, just to make up for it!**

**In this chapter, we'll find Burt and Kurt conversing about life, possible future siblings, and Kurt tormenting his dad about his sex life with Blaine.**

**Yeeeeeaaaahh!**

**I really hope you enjoy!**

**Chapter Fifteen: Old Romantics and Babies**

"Kurt?"

"Yeah, dad?"

"How was your night?"

"It was… it was really good, dad."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I enjoyed myself."

"I'm glad."

"Hey, dad?"

"Yeah, Kurt?"

"If-if I was to start wearing a ring, what would you say?"

"Depends on what kind of ring it was."

"Um. Well, it- Uh. You see…"

"Relax, Kurt. I already know about it."

"You do? How?"

"Blaine came to talk to me about a week ago. He asked my permission to give you a promise ring. Practically swore on his own life that he intended to marry you and take care of you."

"…He did that? For me?"

"I'm not _that _scary, Kurt!"

"I know… it's just, nowadays, chivalry and romance is all but dead. And he knows how much I love romance. For him to do that for me…"

"I can see the hearts in your eyes, Kurt. You're practically glowing."

"I can't help it! He's so amazing. He all but _asked my father for my hand in marriage._ Oh, I may swoon!"

"Please, don't. There's only so much sighing and fainting I can take in one day, and Carole's already filled that quota up by _oh so subtly_ implying that she'd like to have a baby."

"What? Omigodomigod! A baby? A little brother or sister? Oh my god!"

"Kurt, breathe. This won't be happening for a while, if at all. Carole hasn't gone through, ergh… menopause… yet, but she's certainly not as young as she was when she had Finn. We're going to go to the doctor's next week just to make sure it'll be safe, or if we can still even conceive at all. I'm not particularly young or overly healthy either, y'know?"

"Oooh, I hope everything will be fine! A new baby! Wow."

"Kurt, those love hearts in your eyes are back. I can practically see you imagining you and Blaine having children from here."

"Sorry. Sorry. It's just_… babies_."

"Kurt… you know any children that you and Blaine may or may not have in the future can only be the direct child of, at most, one of you?"

"I know, dad. That's something we'd both come to terms with before we'd even met each other. Such is the life of a gay man or woman. That doesn't mean we'd love the child any less."

"I was never doubting that, son. I just didn't want you to be disappointed when reality hit you."

"We're aware dad, but thank you. Besides, it doesn't stop us from trying."

"Wha… Oh! Gross, Kurt!"

"Ahahahahaha!"

"What did I ever do to you?"

"Nothing, I just wanted to see you squirm!"

"That was mean, kid."

"No, what would be really mean would be telling you how hard we tried last night after he gave me the ring."

"_Kurt!"_

**Hope you enjoyed!**

**Now, I have two options for the next chapter:**

**Burt walks in on Kurt masturbating…**

**OR**

**Phone sex between Kurt and Blaine (I'm thinking of having Burt walk in on them doing that, too. What do you think?)**

**Let me know via a review!**


	16. Phone Sex and Muscle Mags

**Here is Chapter Sixteen of "Please Stop Talking".**

**This feels like such a milestone! No idea why, though.**

**Anywho, in this chapter, you shall find Kurt and Blaine engaging in a little phone sex. And then Burt walks in.**

**Burt gets so abused in my stories :S**

**Oh well, he thinks it's…funny-ish?**

**Enjoy!**

**Chapter Sixteen: Phone Sex and Muscle Mags.**

"Hey…Kurt."

"Blaine? Why are you ringing me so early in the morning? I haven't had breakfast yet."

"I just. I, mm, I had to."

"Blaine, what's wrong? Your voice is weird. Are you okay?"

"Ngh, ngh Kurt, god, I love you."

"Blaine… are you- Are you masturbating?"

"Yah-huh, unf."

"I. Um. Okay. Huh. Wow. Why, sweetheart?"

"I was thinking of you while listening to music. Your smile. Uh. Uh. Your laugh. Your h-hair. And then my thoughts went dirty. Your legs, your sto-oh!...mach… How you feel when you're in me. How it feels when I slide into you. Your pretty mouth around my throbbin-"

"B-Blaine! Oh, god!"

"Are you jerking off now, too, b-baby?"

"Uh-huh. I am. Imagining it's you. Oh. Oh."

"Please, Kurt. I need you so much."

"Right after this I'll – UGH! I'll come over. I'll drive straight t-to yours. I'll sp-eh!-nd the night!"

"Oh, fuck! Yes!"

"I'll even wear that skirt you like so you can fuck me while your parents are in the room without them knowing."

"Oh, god, Kuuuurt!"

"Come, sweetheart, for me!"

"Oh. Kurt. Thank you. I needed that."

"It's more than okay, Blaine, t-trust me."

"Have you…?"

"No, not yet-UGH! Al-almost, I'm almost there."

"Do you want me to talk you through it, baby?"

"Yah-huh."

"Oh, your pretty little whimpers almost make me hard again so soon. I can picture you now, laid spread across your bed. I want to be there with you, with my head buried between your gorgeous thighs…"

"B-Blaine! Please!"

"Hey, knock knock Kurt, do we own two teaspoons? I think we only have the one, but the recipe says we need two- OH."

"Dad!"

"Kurt, did your dad just walk in?"

"I'm so, so, so sorry, Kurt. Um. Wow. Okay. I don't quite know what to do in this situation."

"You could…just leave? Let me regain my dignity? Maybe let me… finish."

"Eugh. Okay. That's probably what I should do. Righto. I guess I should tell you to, I dunno, have fun, or something?"

"It's fine, dad, please just leave."

"Has he left the room yet?"

"Not yet, Blaine, he's just about to though."

"Hey, Blaine!"

"Dad, you don't have to shout, he can hear you. We both had our phones on loudspeaker."

"Hey, Mr Hummel. This is… this is kinda awkward, isn't it?"

"Ah, with you two around the house, I've dealt with much worse. To be honest, I'm getting kind of used to finding you and my son in sexual positions."

"Wow. That says a lot about me and Kurt."

"It says a lot that I'm becoming immune. Although, I must say, this is the first time I've caught Kurt flying solo – or, er, semi-solo? What does phone sex count as?"

"Semi-solo, I'd say, Burt."

"Yeah, I guess. Anyway, yeah, even when he was going through puberty, I never caught him. There were the signs, of course, and those damned muscle mags I found-"

"Oh, god, dad!"

"But, I never caught him in the act! Until now."

"Kurt… you like muscles? But, I, I… "

"Blaine, trust me, I love your body."

"It's true; I've seen him staring at you dazedly enough to know."

"Thanks, Burt!"

"Well… not that this isn't a pleasant chat or anything, but, um… _I'm still naked. Would you please get out of my room, dad?"_

"Right. Sorry, Kurt, for interrupting you. You too, Blaine."

"No problem!"

"Have fun!"

"I hate everything, the mood is entirely ruined, and I didn't even get to come."

"Aw, baby."

"Shut up, asshole, you got your release."

**Hope you enjoyed! **

**What would you guys like to see next chapter?**

**Tumblr: theevenstarofklaine . tumblr . com**


	17. Because You Touch Yourself At Night

**It's time for Chapter Seventeen of "Please Stop Talking"! Yay!**

**In this chapter, we shall find Kurt attempting to finish an assignment, and Blaine doing everything in his power to gain Kurt's attention.**

**Prompt words: Puppy-dog hat and Pancakes.**

**Considering what I had to work with, I think I did pretty well! –flips hair indignantly-**

**I hope you enjoy!**

**Chapter Seventeen: Because You Touch Yourself At Night.**

"Kurt. Kurt. Kurt. Kurt. Pay attention, Kurt. Love meeee!"

"Blaine, for Heaven's sake, I need to concentrate on my English assignment."

"But… Shaun Tan is boring. I'm far more interesting."

"You're wearing a hat with floppy ears. Since when did that constitute as 'interesting'?"

"Since… since… since… _since you touch yourself at night!"_

"Real mature, Blaine. Real mature."

"You're just upset because I'm entirely right."

"Yes, of course. I touch myself regularly, and you've never been more fascinating."

"I can hear the sarcasm through the hat-flaps, asshole."

"About which point? Because one of those things is actually true."

"Which one? Me being interesting? Or you getting off without me? Oh, god, now this is going to haunt me forever! Tell me tell me tell me!"

"You'll never take me alive… and shit."

"You don't have to sound so bored…"

"Sorry, sweetheart. I really would like to be silly with you, but I have to finish this damned assignment tonight, or I'm doomed forever."

"That's a little melodramatic."

"Says the boy who screamed out, "Noooo!" while wearing a puppy-dog hat because Merlin got cancelled last night."

"…Shut up. I'm very deeply emotionally invested in certain television shows."

"I know, dear. I know. I'm relatively the entire of the internet knows, too."

"I have friends on the internet. They like me. They think I'm funny. Unlike _you."_

"Sweetheart, get out of the corner, stop pouting, and stop glaring at me. I can hear you muttering curses at me from here."

"…No."

"Oh, dear. I guess I'll just have to take a break from this assignment and go make pancakes _all by myself."_

"…Pancakes?"

"Yep. What a shame, right?"

"…Pancakes?"

"Mhm. Those delicious ones I make that you love, as well."

"C-can I have some?"

"Will you get out of the corner?"

"…Okay. For the pancakes. Not because I love you or anything."

"Be still, my heart. Sweetheart?"

"Yeah?

"Can you do me one more itsy-bitsy favour?"

"Depends on what it is, you Merlin hater."

"Could you pretty please take off the puppy ears hat?"

"What? Why?"

"My dad is downstairs. He didn't see you wearing it last night. He already thinks you're a weirdo sent to corrupt me, and something tells me that you wandering around in a floppy-hat is only going to contribute to his theory."

"Fair point, good sir. Fair point."

"When do I ever _not_ make good points?"

"…When you touch yourself at night."

"Oh, don't start that again."

"…Make me."

"Fine, no pancakes for you."

"No! I take it back! I'm sorry! Kurt! Loooove meeee!"

**I don't even know what that was… Slice of life silliness is what I would describe it as, I suppose.**

**Hope you enjoyed it!**

**Tumblr: theevenstarofklaine . tumblr . com**

**Prompts are still open: words, scenarios, pairing, etc… Let me know via a review!**

**~Phelpstwinsandelftwins**


	18. Super Kurt

**Welcome to Chapter Eighteen of "Please Stop Talking." How exciting. Since my story is Australian, it can now go out and drink as a legal adult! Whoo!**

**But anyway.**

**In this chapter, we shall find that Brittany has had a run in with a homophobe. It's super!Kurt to the rescue!**

**I really hope you enjoy!**

**Chapter Eighteen: Super Kurt**

"Kurt! Kurt!"

"Brittany? Sweetheart, what's wrong? Why are you crying? Where's Santana?"

"Too many question, Kurt!"

"Okay, where's Santana?"

"She's at home."

"Why isn't she here making you feel better? And… why are you at my house?"

"I called her, and she was very mad at the person who made me cry, but she couldn't leave because her mother has her car, so I decided to walk to your house because you live closer to me and you always know how to make me feel better without even kissing me."

"Britt, take a deep breath. Good girl. Okay, I understand. But, why are you crying?"

"I met a mean man today."

"What? Did he hurt you?"

"No, he didn't hurt me, but his words were sharp and they hurt my feelings."

"Oh, Britts. What did he say?"

"I-I'm not allowed to say the words that he did…"

"Okay, why don't you explain the situation, and I'll try to guess what he said?"

"Yeah, I'll do that. I was out shopping with Tina, and I was looking for donut-bras…"

"…donut bras?"

"Yeah! Santana says I look good enough to eat when I wear lingerie, and I got scared because I think she'd choke if she tried to eat the materials, so I decided to find edible underwear so she would be safe if she ever tried."

"Oh. Of course, what else could you have been doing? Carry on."

"Right. Well. I was telling Tina how much I love Santana, and Tina was smiling and laughing and making "aw" baby noises because Tina's a good girl who never says bad words or thinks mean things about dolphins."

"Yes she is. Tina's a good friend. Remember to keep taking breaths, sweetie."

"Okay, Kurt. And then the man who was walking past scoffed and said I was a …"

"Did he say mean things about you?"

"Uh-huh, and Santana. And all dolphins."

"He's just a stupid man, Brittany. He's wrong."

"But he was so mean, Kurt! I tried to tell him he was wrong, I tried to tell him one of my best friends was also a dolphin and he was really talented and kind and wonderful-"

"Aw, thanks Britt."

"It's true! But then he just laughed some more and said it was even worse when two boys loved each other."

"People say that. You've gotta learn to ignore them, sweetie."

"I shouldn't have to! You and baby-Blaine love each other so much. Why should you have horrible things said about you because of it?"

"That's just the way the world works sometimes, whether we like it or not."

"It's not fair. And he should definitely have his mouth washed out with soap for what he said."

"Do you want to tell me what he actually said?"

"…No… The words are gross. But, about you and Blaine, he said, "bums are for poos, not for doodles," only much, much, much, much meaner!"

"Kurt?"

"…Kurt? Why are you laughing at me?"

"Oh, nothing. Just at how silly the man was, and how clever you are. How about I drive you over to Santana's, and you two teach me how to tease Blaine?"

"That's my favourite! Let's go!"

**Just so you know, it pained me to write all of Brittany's dialogue in one breath. But I just imagined her being very hyped up and trying to say a lot in one go.**

**Hope you enjoyed!**

**Tumblr: theevenstarofklaine . tumblr . com**

**Prompts are still open! Let me know via a review!**


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